


Well I Showed You All My Cards, Why Isn't That Enough

by mcgarrygirl78



Series: Something More [8]
Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Drama, F/M, Family, Friendship, Humor, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-07
Updated: 2014-10-07
Packaged: 2018-02-20 07:53:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2420969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“No matter how much I convince you otherwise there has to be this little nagging thought in the back of your head.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Well I Showed You All My Cards, Why Isn't That Enough

**Author's Note:**

> This was written from [](http://kosmickway.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://kosmickway.livejournal.com/)**kosmickway** ’s prompt of **“Emily and Hotch discuss kids”**. The title is from the Stevie Nicks song, _Talk to Me_.

_The itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout_  
 _Down came the rain and washed the spider out_  
 _Out came the son and dried up all the rain_  
 _And the itsy bitsy spider went up the spout again_.

“One more time.” Jack said.

“Uh uh, Captain Jack, now its time to dream.” Emily kissed both his cheeks. “Goodnight.”

“I love you, Emily.”

“I love you too, sweetheart.” She kissed Constable Bear, his bedtime companion. “Goodnight, Constable Bear.”

“He said goodnight.” Jack said. “Goodnight Daddy, I love you.”

“I love you too.” Hotch kissed him, smoothing his hair back. “Sweet dreams.”

“Leave the light on…don’t forget.” Jack said.

“I won't.”

Hotch turned on the Superman nightlight before he and Emily left the room. He left the door ajar, with light from the living room also filtering in. Emily sat down on the couch and Hotch looked at her.

“Are you alright?” He asked.

“He…just give me a minute.”

“Emily?” Hotch sat beside her on the couch. He put his hand on her thigh and Emily looked at him.

“I'm getting all verklempt over here; just ignore me.”

“Absolutely not.” He kissed her.

“I love him so much, Hotch. Maybe I shouldn’t but…”

“Why shouldn’t you?”

Emily shrugged. She wasn’t sure what to say so decided to say nothing. Hotch didn’t want to push; he changed the subject.

“How does dessert sound?” He asked.

“Mmm, that sounds like a good idea.”

Hotch nodded and went into the kitchen. There was ice cream in the fridge and he got three scoops of butter pecan. He came back into the living room with two spoons. Emily smiled, taking the bowl onto her lap. They cuddled on the couch with their dessert.

“I wasn’t sure if I was going to be a good father.” He said.

“Seriously?” She looked at him, eating her ice cream.

“I didn’t have the most shining example growing up. I just didn’t want to bring a child into the world if I couldn’t be the best father, and I wasn’t sure I could be.”

“What changed your mind?”

“Nothing changed my mind, sometimes I still feel that way. Haley wanted a family though. I never told her about my apprehensions; not in so many words. Part of me felt like I was betraying her. It’s a conversation you should have before you get married and settle down.

“So she kept talking about it and talking about it…finally she put her foot down. We tried for years and she couldn’t get pregnant. Then she finally got pregnant with Jack. I knew she always wanted more kids but things started to fall apart after that.”

“He’s a wonderful little boy.” Emily replied.

“I just hope I can raise him right.”

“There are plenty of people to help you do that. Parents are important, believe me I know, but so is family. And family doesn’t just mean blood.”

“I know.” Hotch stuck his spoon in the ice cream. “You're so good with him. He’s happy when you're together.”

“I'm glad.” Emily smiled.

They didn’t talk for a while, just ate their ice cream. So many things were running through Emily’s mind and she silently moved around boxes and tried to put everything in its place. Was this happening too fast? Was she going to be able to handle this? Motherhood was something she always wanted but Jack was special. He’d lost his mother; if she wanted to be someone important in his life it wouldn’t be a decision to take lightly.

Losing her after losing Haley could be devastating to the little boy. Emily didn’t want to ever be the cause of his pain. This wasn’t just about her anymore. And still with all that she would never truly be his mother. His mother had died for him; that was something no one would forget.

Emily wouldn’t ever want or ask him to. Number two was the best she could get in that relationship. Was it asking too much to be a second place winner for the rest of her life? And what about Hotch, and Jessie? Could she ever find a true place in Jack’s life just being herself?

“Being a mother is important to you, isn’t it Emily?” Hotch asked.

“What?”

“You want to have a family?”

“I don't know…I mean I don’t know if I want to talk about this.”

“Why not?”

“Hotch…”

“You never have to be afraid to tell me what you're thinking or feeling.” He said.

“What if I don’t even know?” She asked.

“Just start talking; I'm listening.”

Emily smirked, rolling her eyes. It wasn’t that easy…nothing ever was. She took a deep breath and placed the now empty ice cream bowl on the coffee table.

“I've always wanted children. I don’t just want a child though, I want it all. I don't know even know if “it all” even exists. I just can't imagine never having a child; never being a mother. I know I didn’t have the most shining example either but I know I would be a good mom. Sometimes I feel like I'm running out of time. I don’t just want to do it because I'm running out of time. There is always adoption or some alternative. There will always be time. Being alone is not ideal, but…”

“You're not alone.” Hotch replied.

He reached for her hand but Emily moved away. That surprised him, it showed in his eyes.

“Don’t say that.” She said.

“Don’t say what?”

“Why are we having this conversation?”

“Because I didn’t the last time and its important.” Hotch said.

“Well, I don’t want to talk about it anymore, OK?”

“Yeah,” He nodded and took the bowl into the kitchen. Thinking it was a better idea to just give Emily some space; he stayed in there and tidied up. Jack helped him make dinner that evening, Cheeseburger Macaroni Hamburger Helper, so there were pans to clean. They also made a tossed salad; Hotch rinsed out those bowls.

Jack’s favorite cup went into the dishwasher and so did a variety of silverware. As the appliance silently chugged, he busied himself doing other things so he wouldn’t have to go back out there. It surprised Hotch when Emily came to him. She leaned against the counter and looked at him.

“Maybe I don’t have it altogether.” She said.

“That’s OK you know. I feel I'm partially to blame for that.”

“That doesn’t make a lot of sense.”

“That’s OK too.”

“What do you mean you're to blame, Hotch.”

“Sometimes I worry that you think we’re together for all the wrong reasons. No matter how much I convince you otherwise there has to be this little nagging thought in the back of your head. I'm to blame for that; I should've told you sooner.”

“Surely you had your reasons not to, not the least of which was you never expected Haley to be murdered.”

“Her death made me realize that I needed to tell you how I felt, or that I wanted to tell you.” Hotch replied. “We don’t have forever to mull, over think, and pontificate. You have to say what you feel in the moment; even if it comes out all wrong. If you can't find the words then you have to show it.”

Nodding, Emily hugged him. She held him tightly against her and felt his heart beating strong and fast. The few nights they spent together Emily would stay up and listen to his heart beat. She always assumed Hotch might suffer from the same insomnia she did sometimes but so far he seemed to have no trouble sleeping. Maybe she brought him that comfort and peace. Hotch stroked Emily’s hair, tilted her chin up, and kissed her.

“Love you,” He whispered, giving her gentle Eskimo kisses.

“Me too Hotch.” Emily caressed his face in her hands.

They stood in the kitchen holding each other for a long time. It didn’t matter how much time went by, they were content standing there. Words weren't needed, they never had been. They were nice but unnecessary. Hotch’s hands moved up her sweater, stroking the soft bare skin. He smiled when he heard and felt Emily’s breath hitch in her throat.

“Stay with me.”

“I don’t think that’s the best idea.”

“Then say no.”

“Not fair, Hotch.”

“I'm tired of playing fair.”

“Oh really?” Emily pulled away and looked at him.

“I want you; I want you here with me. You keep running away.”

“I'm not running away.”

“What do you call it?” He asked.

“I…” Emily took a deep breath. She stepped back and put her hands on her hips. “I don’t want anyone to be uncomfortable. We’re dealing with a child.”

“Emily, you're the only one who’s uncomfortable. It’s OK but you don’t have to say that it’s something its not. Jack would be ecstatic if you never left…so would his daddy. It might be easier when I get a bigger space.”

“You're moving?”

Hotch nodded. This space was too small to raise a growing boy. Hotch hardly liked it when it was every other weekend but now he knew for sure. Jack needed a backyard to run around in and build forts. He needed a room for his toys and projects. He needed a kitchen he and Hotch could cook in without bumping into each other. He needed stairs to run down and a basement for storage as the years went by. Not only that, Hotch and Emily needed their space as well. One thing Hotch’s efficient apartment did not have was space.

“My realtor is looking at places in DC and the Virginia suburbs. I want to be close to Jessie, you, and work. I don’t want Jack’s commute to be too long for him…there is still a lot of shuttling around to do.”

“Maybe there’ll be more space to fit me in.” Emily replied.

“You're already in.” Hotch said. He thought he knew why she was doing this but that didn’t mean he had to like it. “Jack woke up the other morning; I was getting him ready for school. He asked me why you weren't here. I told him that you went home to go to sleep. He asked why you didn’t just sleep here with us.”

“What did you tell him?”

“I don't know; I made up something. He’s smart but he’s only four. Emily, I feel like something I don’t want to happen is getting ready to happen. Sometimes we are on the exact same page and other times we are miles apart.”

“That’s normal you know.”

“Is it?”

“Yeah,” Emily nodded. “It’s just that usually a couple only has their own feelings to screw with. If I ever hurt Jack…I would never forgive myself. I just don’t know if I'm ready to…what if I mess this up.”

“Impossible.” Hotch reached for Emily’s hands but she held back. A frown crossed his face.

“I'm sorry, Aaron.”

“What are you sorry for?” He struggled to get the words out of his constricted throat. This was not happening. It wasn’t happening; he had to stop it from happening. Hotch didn’t even know how they got to this place. Who was at the wheel, surely not him?

“I'm sorry that I don’t know what else to say.”

“Say that you love me.”

“I do.” Emily replied. “I love you, Hotch.”

“Then we work out the rest. You want to take it slow, I’ll slow down. I promise.”

“Its not you, it’s…”

“Don't say its not you it’s me, please.” He reached out for her. “C'mere, baby.”

This time Emily didn’t fight his reach. She didn’t fight her tears either, even if she was mad at herself for their falling. Hotch wiped her tears as she took a deep breath. He kissed her cheek, not knowing what to say or how to make her feel better. All Hotch knew was that he couldn’t let her leave like that.

“Come to bed, Emily. Close your eyes, hold onto me, and sleep. What did you tell Jack; now its time to dream.”

“Alright,” She nodded and they went to the bedroom together.

Emily’s head was swimming. She didn’t know what to think anymore so maybe it was better if she didn’t think at all. Everything had been fine until Hotch brought up children. Did he want more; did he want a family? Was he trying to tell her that he did or he didn’t? Was Jack enough for him?

Everyone who knew Emily knew that motherhood was important to her. Was he willing to be a father to her child? She had to stop; she had to make her mind stop. Emily put on a pair of pajamas from the top drawer Hotch cleared out for her and slipped into bed. Hotch just got in wearing his sweats. Emily listened to his heartbeat, her head resting on his chest as he held her. So long she yearned for him, twice she thought she might have lost him, and now she was finally here with him.

“I want to be with you. I want to eventually raise Jack together and have children of our own. I want to finally be happy, wholly; have it all as my mother used to say. Does that scare you?”

“No. Should it?”

“We keep going up and down. I'm confident and you're not, I'm scared to death and you're ready to run…”

“We keep each other on our toes.” Hotch replied. “We challenge each other, we compliment each other, and sometimes we race to see who’s going to win. In the end, we both come out on top.” He kissed her forehead. “You're not the only one who wants it all. Sweet dreams.”

“Goodnight, Aaron.”

“Goodnight, baby.” He held her to him and slid into the comfortable grip of sleep.

***

  



End file.
